Having a bit of an emotional day. I really don't like pouring emotions out in this way but everything is so overwhelming right now that the least little nothing makes me cry like a damn baby. My daughter starts 2nd grade in just a few weeks. My middle child is asking all these God questions like he suddenly understands that there is a God and what he is for. He asked me this morning "Mama, does God put all of my lies in a jar and keeps them until i get to heaven?"( assume Cate told him this, otherwise, I am kind of freaked out by how he could have come up with it on his own). Liam...my BABY...who is over 3 years old now refuses to potty train. So I have 2 kids who are growing up too fast and one that won't grow up even if I put a pot of big boy and all the candy in the world at the end of a rainbow and pushed his little butt down it. I'm going to have to pack pull ups in his suitcase when he goes off to college, apparently.
This weekend was lovely, until Sunday. Now, normally Sunday is my favorite day of the week. People cook for me, I see all of my family, I go to mass, my parents have like...an endless supply of pinot grigio..I love Sundays. But the Boss went out of town this weekend and was not here for all of the Sunday "fun" of getting 3 kids dressed and ready for church by 8:45(I had nursery at 9:30 and had to be there at 9:15) and I was tired before we even left the house. We had 8 kids in the nursery, my 3 included, and we were downstairs at church eating doughnuts and drinking coffee. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law are there with their 4 kids and offer to help me(they are saints, always willing to help us out in anyway). I was suddenly struck with this overwhelming urge to just go home. I was sitting there with a room full of people and full of kids too and MY kids were the bad ones in the room. It was MY kids running around and not listening to me at all, deliberately disobeying me, being terrible. I just wanted to hide. I wanted to crawl under the table with my coffee and my kids and pretend that we were not there. They were soooo bad. I missed my husband, I wanted to be away from that situation, I just want to go. home. So I did. Yes....I drove all the way to church, did my nursery duty, and left without going to mass. I just went home.
Unfortunately, lack of sleep and a bad experience at church set the mood for the entire day. Like I said, I enjoy Sunday's. So it's rare for them to just be a total cluster ffffffff.......ccccluster of annoyances. BUt it was. I was on edge all day, in defense mode. Yes, my boys are terrible. They are whiny, they fight, they leave doors open and make messes. Yes, Cate is a terrible speller and she doesn't read a lot on her own. She will if we make her, or if she reads on her DS games, but as far as picking up a book on her own like normal 7 years old...neh. I just...didn't want to talk about any of it. I didn't need any reminders of what a crummy parent I am and how terrible and far behind in development my kids are. I am not in denial, I am not ignoring the issues...I just didn't want to talk about it on Sunday. When you are already feeling like a failure of a parent, you just don't need to revisit every single little issue that is already a thorn in your aaas...ummm side. *sticking fingers in my ears* Lalala, I don't wanna hear about it lalalala** The theme for the day was me repeating "I just wanna go home" every 30 minutes. All. Day. Long.
Home came, at last, in my sweet hubby's arms when he finally got back from his overnight trip. I wanted to literally JUMP into his arms when I saw that man, honestly. When we are at home, I never have a problem with him going anywhere. Home is easy to handle, sometimes it's actually easier to handle when he isn't home because he's all "Oh you can't eat in the living room. What's that mark on the wall? Stop screaming! Stop running! I smell poop!!!" like all the time. So I kind of get to relax a little when the boss is gone. However, leaving the house is entirely a different matter. It's exhausting and I won't lie...makes me want to cry sometimes to go into public with these kids all by myself. So. Happy. To. See. Papa.
So here we are just 3 weeks before school starts again. Can't say I am ready for it, but it's coming whether I am ready or not. My baby girl is starting second grade and I have to start getting up at 6:00(ok, 7:45) again. Not really looking forward to it. That whole...having clean clothes for Cate every morning thing. Ugh.
Anyway, my kids are awful, everyone thinks I am a bad parent, I have a second grader, I can't stay on top of housework or editing, now I have to go deal with my awful kids while failing at everything else. Ciao.
What? Picture? Ok...
3 comments:
It probably won't make you feel better, but I think I know just how you feel. There was a time in my life when I almost had a panic attack when I went ANYWHERE by myself with my 3 kids. I felt like all eyes were on me critiquing everything I was doing wrong as a parent. At home they know the terrain and the basic rules, and if they are disobeying, you can punish them without having someone critique your methods in that area, too.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. You had been doing everything yourself while Seth was out of town, and you were tired before the day even started. I hope your week gets sunnier as it goes along. :-)
I am so sorry April!!!! HUGS TO YOU!!!! But you cannot possibly be the worst parent in the world because I am pretty sure I am. My kids are whiney, selfish little creatures with NO MANNERS AT ALL and I get the feeling Riley really does not like me much at all. I am sick to my stomach about school starting back....Sam will be in trouble each and every day I just know it and Riley will cry every day before school about her clothes. My wits end is where I stay most of the time and with Jamey working 60 - 65 hours per week it is all me. We should start a support group. I am telling you...if you and I could get together we could just let our kids be bad together and we could chill in total non-judgment of each other! LOL!!!! :-)
OMG Gosh Joy, sounds like a plan. Let's just hang out and let our kids be bad and awful together, although, I am sure my monsters could give your kids a run for their money :-) Mandi-Thanks sister, 3 kids is just hard and I think if anyone knows how it feels, it's you. It makes it harder having my boys so young and only 13 months apart. You were there not long ago...I remember it. And for what its worth, I am sorry that I wasn't more supportive back then. It's hard. I don't know how you lived through it, because I am about ready to throw in the towel.
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