Yo mama so fat....

There is this stereotype about how motherhood is supposed to be. You think that when you grow up, get married, and have a baby that you and your life is supposed to change completely. It's supposed to be this life altering occasion that leaves you stripped of all immature and selfish desires and replaces them with a deep and irresistible desire to nurture, teach, and love unconditionally with great patience and compassion. Yeah, ok. That didn't happen for me. At least, that wasn't all of it.

Welcome to my reality. For me, motherhood is more than hugs and kisses and the jolly sound of laughter filling the house(don't get me wrong, that's some of it, not all of it). It's a constant daily struggle to keep my head above the water. It's knowing that I will have to choose between neglecting my kids or neglecting my work or neglecting both for the sake of doing housework. It's always feeling stretched too thin because there is never time to pull myself back together again. It's being frustrated that everyone else can run simple errands like shipping a package at the post office in half the time it takes without any stress at all. I have never wanted to be a complaining mom, and I have never resenting being a mother. But I will admit, I get very jealous of moms who get breaks and moms who have time to stay on top of the laundry and the housework. It's taking 3 days to write a simple little blog post because you can't stay focused long enough to write and there is always something that you have to get up and do(hello, you are reading it right now, I started it on Friday). While I do love all of my children unconditionally, I don't always love them equally. I pick favorites sometimes. I often times feel resentful of the kids because they have never been the best sleepers and often times the boss and I end up going several days in a row without sleeping in the same bed. We want to sleep in the same bed, but we want to sleep more. I yell, frequently. Sometimes I cry because I never have more than 10 minutes to myself and because I have so many things I have to get done each day and fail miserably at them all because they are always distracting me and the kids look at me with that "oh mama's loosing it again, back away slowly...." look on their faces. But there is some weird comfort that I find in it all that makes the sweet parts of motherhood more believable. The fact that I can just look at my kids sometimes and feel pangs in my stomach because they are just that beautiful to me, I know that's real because 10 minutes ago I was ready to sit them out by the curb with the garbage to be picked up and taken away. When I am stressed out and  suddenly hear the boys laughing hysterically from their room about who knows what(and I probably don't want to know) I am happy that for just one moment in time, that sweet sound of their little high pitched belly laughs can melt away all the stress and refresh my heart and mind...at least until they start fighting over Buzz Lightyear again. It might sound selfish and horrible to some people to hear a mom not sugar coating it.  Had I known, say 5 years ago, that it was "ok" to have days when you just didn't like your kid, perhaps I would have been able to deal with those days better. Instead, I felt so trapped and sad that I couldn't be a good mom because I was not gushing over my daughter and absorbing every moment with her. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so terrible about wanting to slap anyone who said "Enjoy it, they grow up so fast!" mmmkay, why don't you not sleep for 2 years and tell me it goes by "so fast"?

For me, motherhood is not always pretty. It can be a dark little room with the walls closing in and no one can hear me screaming for help. But when I do manage to climb out, back out into the sunshine, I can see everything much more clearly. I have 3 very awesome children who love me despite all of my many shortcomings. I have a new opportunity every day to reinvent myself and to be a better person, and a better mother. The key is realizing that I will always be a mom and just like I will always forgive them for the mistakes that they make, they will forgive me, in time, as well. 

The boss and I were blessed so much in that we both had incredible and loving mothers who have always loved and supported us, even when they didn't agree with our decisions. They helped us, guided us, cared for us, and brought us up with a deep fear and love of God. Though we spent many years taking them and all that they did for us for granted, we now understand how blessed we were and still are. Now that they are finished raising their babies, they are attentive, affectionate, and doting grandmothers. What's that old saying? Grandchildren are God's apology for children?

Happy Mother's day to all those moms out there. The perfect and imperfect ones. The ones who are currently toting a baby on their hip and the ones who miss toting a baby on their hip. The ones who carried and gave birth to their babies and the ones who adopted and never felt one ounce less of love and devotion that the rest of us do.The ones who hope and pray they do the right things and the ones who give us the advice because I they wish that they HAD done the right things. Being a mother is a great honor, and a lot of hard work, it's full of failure, mistakes, gladness and sadness, guilt, pride, and of course, lots and lots of stress...LOVE, I mean love. Lots and lots of love. And dirty diapers. And soured milk in sippy cups under the couch. And messy houses. And sleepless nights. And web MD. And saving for Christmas when it's still hot outside. And stress. And seriously, it's full of lots and lots of love. 

Happy Mothers Day!