Do they have a "What to expect...the Elementary school years" book, yet?

This is somewhat of a difficult subject for me to blog about for several reasons. First of all, it's just unpleasant to talk about and painful to think about, because it's my child it's happening to. Secondly, there is no way to prove what exactly is going on because what goes on between 7 & 8 year old girls on the playground stays between 7 & 8 year old girls on the playground. And third, I think that every mother out there has a "mama bear" instinct deep inside them and when things like this happen you want to march right into school with your kid and demand that something be done about this issue but you just can't and that is not how I want to teach my daughter to deal with these issues. So It is a difficult subject in and of itself but particularly difficult to write about for me because I am not used to writing about serious topics. I like to keep it light and fun. However, I think it is one that will have to be addressed in every household at some point or another and that's why I thought I would talk about it on my blog this morning.

My 7 year old daughter Cate is in 1st grade. She moved to this public school this year after spending 2 years at a private Christian school in Cedartown. It was not a decision that we made lightly but financial strains and moving so far away from her old school kind of made the decision for us. Cate never had one best friend at her old school, but she seemed to like everyone in her class and she never said anything about anyone being mean to her or excluding her. Of course, preschool and kindergarten are different. I don't think I ever felt excluded or picked on until at least the first grade. While Cate is in the first grade, she is in a multi-age class with first AND second graders. I thought that this might happen, Cate feeling left out because the second graders had formed friendships last year and already had established "cliques" which would leave out the 1st graders. By the first month or so of school, I had already heard about this one second grader who was...oh how shall we say this? A snot nosed little brat who enjoys making other people feel bad? Yeah, that's about right. And Cate seems to be her "target". We'll call this kid "Susie"(there is no susie in her class and the kids name does not start with an S or end with a -ie so if you are reading this and are a parent of a kid in my kids class, just know that).

Some of the things Cate came home with were just silly. For example, once she hopped into the car and said "Susie made so & so not like me today" *eye roll*. "Cate, Susie cannot make anyone not like you, and if so&so decided not to like you because Susie told her not to like you, you don't want to be friends with so&so anyway because she is not a good friend" Most of the time, the complaints are things like that. And we have a discussion about it and Cate feels better and we keep on living our lives. Lately, everything has centered around Susie. Susie made fun of Cate's clothes, Susie accused Cate of spitting on her, Susie said this and that and everything else she could possibly think of to hurt my daughters feelings or upset her. I am just about sick of Susie. While there is a still a part of me that wants to give Susie the benefit of a doubt, I cannot have Cate thinking that I do not believe her, so I am trusting her that what she says is happening in indeed what is happening.

Now...There are a lot of emotions that go through a mom when you see your baby upset by other's actions. You feel sympathy, you feel anger, you feel sad, you feel helpless, and then you feel angry even more, and then more helplessness. Cate is a good kid. I know all parents must say that about their children, but she is a pretty good kid. She tries not to leave others out, but being left out is something she is going to have to come to terms with. It's part of life and you cannot always demand to be included and cry when you are not. I sympathize with the pain of being excluded because that was the story of my school years. I never had many close friends. I played by myself on the playground many times during my elementary school years. My senior year of highschool, I sat at a lunch table by myself because I didn't have 1 friend on that lunch shift. Not one. I would read or pretend to study so that it looked like I was secluding myself on purpose, lol. I get it! I really do, but that's life sometimes and you just have to make the most of it and you can't spend your entire life with your arms crossed pouting about how unfair everyone treats you. And being excluded is not bullying. It might not  be very kind, but it's not bullying. It's life. I can deal with that, I can teach HER to deal with that. Where I am struggling right now is with the other parts that I do not want her to just "accept".

Cate has been taught that when people are ugly to her, she should ignore them and walk away. Susie has never physically harmed Cate, as far as I know and I honestly don't suspect that she ever would. She is a snot to be sure, but not violent. However, Susie is constantly making Cate feel ugly, unintelligent, and unwanted by her peers. This is very hurtful to me. As I said, Cate is a good kid for the most part. She isn't perfect, but she isn't mean either. I think she is beautiful, and we have told her that every day of her life and suddenly she hates her hair and her big teeth. She reads beautifully at home but her teacher insists that she is not reading well at school. It makes me angry. It makes me want to grab Susie's mom by the shoulders and scream "What the hell did you do to raise such a mean little girl!" The point of matter is this: You don't have to teach kids to be mean, but you do have to teach them to be kind. They don't learn to be selfish, but they have to learn to be giving. You don't have to show them to be spiteful, but you have to SHOW them how to be gracious and forgiving.*for the record, I have met Susies mother and she is a perfectly lovely lady and very sweet so I do not think she is being taught to be a bully*

I would never have a problem intervening if Susie were physically harming Cate and I had evidence to prove that Susie is being a bully. I have explained this to Cate, Cate understands(or so she says). It's hard when your baby comes to you for advice and all you have to give them is the whole "What would Jesus Do" speech, but it's what we have to work with. Being spiteful might make her feel better but it makes her no better than Susie if she goes that route. One day someone is going to deck Susie and teach her a lesson but it won't be my kid. Cate and I had a long talk about "Susie" yesterday and I think I finally got through. She heard the "forgiveness" part, and the "turn the other cheek" thing, but I think what she took away from the whole conversation was "kill them with kindness"....do'h, almost. I ALMOST got through.

I remember the pain and agony of growing up, and as soon as I finally made it past those horrible years of self discovery, I became a mother and now I have to watch my daughter go through it. I never imagined that it would be so hard to guide her through this, or that it would hurt so bad when I can't fix it. One thing parenting will do for you, it will make you get really used to praying when you don't know what else to do...cause when you are a parent, you have to do SOMETHING.

(this morning, face painted for Dr. Seuss day at school--and little brother had to paint his too!)

A very cliche song, but I do like it :-)